THE LOST ART OF RELATIONSHIP
If you are actively listening, there are parts of a person’s story thatthey leak out when they are telling their history. I’ll give you an example from my own story.
“In 2006, my wife accepted an internship at the University of Maryland, and in January of 2007, she was accepted into the residency program there. Four months later, my kids and I moved out to Maryland with her.”
What jumps out at you in these comments? What kinds of questions come to mind when you reread it?
There is so much that can happen in a year, but there is one fact that jumps out at you. Other facts could lead to more in-depth questions, which I would ask permission to dive into.
The first question one might ask is this, “When you say, ‘the kids and I moved out to Maryland with her,’ did the two of you live in different places that year?”
Then other questions might follow, “May I ask how you felt being so far away from your wife for one year? Did you see each other during that year? Did you both work and take care of the kids in that year?”
You could also probe a little deeper and ask, “What was the most difficult thing you faced as a single dad during that time frame? Why did you decide not to move when she accepted her internship? How did that time away from each other affect the relationship with your wife?”
People usually leak out information and insight into their past that might raise the curiosity hairs on the back of your neck. When that happens, make sure you give them the freedom not to share something that is too personal at this early stage in the relationship.
Brian taught me, without even knowing it, that asking the right questions and giving someone the freedom to answer or not can build trust between people. It also shows there is interest in the other person.
Too often when we meet people for the first time, we expect they will want to hear about what we are doing now, where we work, where we live, how many kids we have, and so on. However, this information is only floating on top of the surface.
My philosophy, especially after my friendship with Brian, rests on the fact that I start off thinking this person may not want to hear about my life. If I treat people how I want to be treated, I will ask them about their life. Sometimes it opens the door to a relationship, and they return the questions. Sometimes it does not. That is a risk we take.